Woke up this morning Full of despair For I don’t live In a house with stairs I woke up with dread So I rolled out my bed Slid down the hallway To my lounge instead It was there that I sat In the sun like a cat Tried to distract That I live in a one floor flat I felt so low Never felt like this befo’ The next thing I know I’m crawling on the floor Laying on my rug Giving it a hug It was then that I realised (then that I realised) My rug I love For in these times When we’re stuck inside It’s the little things That bring us delight Oh I love My decorative rug It perks me up When I feel like a slug Oh I love Layin on my rug Walking on my rug I love my rug Oh I love The right side of the couch Don’t let my flatmate slouch On my favourite couchy pouch Oh I love Eating outta my bowl Nachos and guacamole Oh I love my bowl It’s the little things I crave When stuck inside to make me feel alive Enjoying things you might think strange But it’s a way to pass the day Oh I love Hiding in the shower Pretending I’m Jack Bower Cakes I can devour Oh I love My giant orange bean bag Playing one person tag Dessing in a bin bag Oh I love My cute houseplant Oh no you can’t Deny that we’re both entranced This fine romance Was love at first glance Our love will last Oh I love my house plant We’re married now The seeds of our love have been sown Don’t need to go outside cos I’ve found my perfect bridge I love you planty wanty woo

Hey, do you like scrabble? Me too. Two-letter words make me feel clever Bet you’re astounded that I those two together Two-letter words scoring the scores Let me put two more down and score some more Oh! I love it when you scrabble in one-syllable words Two-letter words makes me complete Looking at the leader board and you’re like “shit” Two-letter words winning the game You don’t know how I’m going it and it’s driving you insane Well, I’m here to help you babeh! There are 127 two letter words that you can use in scrabble. You ready? Here goes… AA, AB, AD, AE AG, AH, AI, AL AM, AN, AR, AS AT, AW, AX, AY BA, BE, BI, BO BY, CH, DA, DE, DI, DO, EA, ED EE, EF, EH, EL EM, EN, ER, ES ET, EW, EX, FA FE, FY, GI, GO GU, HA, HE, HI HM, HO, ID, IF, IN, IO, IS, IT JA, JO, KA, KI KO, KY, LA, LI, LO, MA, ME, MI, MM, MO, MU, MY NA, NE, NO, NU NY, OB, OD, OE OF, OH, OI, OK OM, ON, OO, OP OR, OS, OU, OW OX, OY, PA, PE PI, PO, QI, RE SH, SI, SO, ST TA, TE, TI, TO UG, UH, UM, UN, UP, UR, US, UT WE, WO, XI, XU YA, YE, YO, YU ZA, ZE, ZO Two-letter words make me feel clever Bet you’re astounded that I those two together Two-letter words scoring the scores Let me put two more down and score some more

I am a beanbag A big orange beanbag Beanbagging is What I do I am a beanbag A big orange beanbag Beanbag beanbag beanbag beanbag Just for you

It was strange old day Starting rehearsals this way But we began by viewing Our “luxury” lodge It was the downstairs part Of our directors’ house Right next door To the rehearsal hall We were taken in To a room that smelled of bin With an empty fridge And a banana in the sink There were three beds in our room But for the boys there were just two So, they had to grapple with who was going to share with who? Once that was decided We put our bags down And that’s when I noticed There was a spider in my bed There was a spider in my bed A spider in my bed I’m really scared of spiders A spider in my bed It’s ok, I thought, I’ll just hoover that up later I can deal with that, it’s no big deal But then I looked up and that’s when I saw Spider’s for days Everywhere I looked, there were more more MORE!! A spider in my bed And a spider in my bag A spider on the ceiling Now, that might not seem so bad But there were spiders in the bathroom Spiders in the sink Spiders in the empty fridge It really makes me flinch Spiders in the couch Spiders on the stairs Spiders in the roller blinds THERE’S NOW A SPIDER IN MY HAIR Spiders in my socks 32 and spiders in my shoes Oh, it’s great, there’s black wall paper NOPE, That’s a thousand spiders too It might be ok if you don’t really care BUT THERE ARE Spiders Spiders Spiders Spiders Spiders everywhere There are spiders everywhere Spiders everywhere Wriggling and writhing There are spiders everywhere Needless to say, I had a sleepless night Tried to suck it up, But woke up with a fright Two spiders now were mating Right where I’d laid my head And their sexual behaviour Was now happening inside my bed I tried not to scream Tried not to wake the rest of the team But I leapt right out of my sheets And let out a bit of wee I sat upon the sofa To try to grab some sleep But they followed me in And started going at it on my feet GET OFF I yelled, forgetting it was night And I stamped stamped stamped until I felt like I’d given them a fright They didn’t seem to care, They just stopped and stared All the while their cousins are Crawling around everywhere They’re staring at me And crawling on me Staring at me And crawling on me Having sex on me And crawling on me Staring and crawling And sexing on me The next day I scared My cast mates as they rose I was shivering on the sofa And pulling at my clothes Rocking back and forth Eyes weeping quite a lot Nobody could comfort me I wanted that night to be forgot That happened 5 years ago It hasn’t happened since, You’ll all be pleased to know But even so, I have to say That still to this day I’ve never been able to look at spiders In the same way They broke me that night, That much is true And I hope that this story Hasn’t broken you But if you start a new job And they offer you somewhere to rest Make sure it isn’t inside A giant spiders’ nest A giant spiders’ nest A giant spiders’ nest I just wanted to rest But I was in a spiders’ nest A giant spiders’ nest A giant spiders’ nest I just wanted to rest But I was in a spiders’ nest

Did I ever even exist? Did I ever even exist? Did I ever even exist? Did I ever even exist? Did I? Did I? Did I? Ever exist? Did I? Did I? Did I? Ever exist? Did I? Did I? Did I? Ever exist? Existential crisis

Oh, it’s hard to be a Christmas Wrapper I’m on the front line making your presents look more dapper Smooth me over your gifts let my pretty paper cover it Oh yeah, that’s me a snazzy Christmas Wrapper If it’s a square box, then I’m in my prime Smooth me over the edges and I’ll make it look divine Maybe pop a ribbon around my middle use a bow to snazz me up just a little Oh, I bet you ain’t never seen a present look so fine! Oh, it’s hard to be a Christmas Wrapper I’m on the front line making your presents look more dapper Smooth me over your gifts let my pretty paper cover it Oh yeah, that’s me a snazzy Christmas Wrapper Sometimes wrapping onesies can be kinda tricky Those corners can be real tough for sticking But I manage it because I’m a professional And I make those onesie presents look super swell Oh, it’s hard to be a Christmas Wrapper I’m on the front line making your presents look more dapper Smooth me over your gifts let my pretty paper cover it Oh yeah, that’s me a snazzy Christmas Wrapper Wrapping bottles of wine is super hard isn’t it? Getting round those curves is tough, but I do my best at it Try to hide that it’s a wine and make it look like a champagne WOAH But, what do I do with the top bit? Oh no! Oh, it’s hard to be a Christmas Wrapper I’m on the front line making your presents look more dapper Smooth me over your gifts let my pretty paper cover it Oh yeah, that’s me a snazzy Christmas Wrapper Yes, I’m a Christmas Wrapper I’m here making your presents look dapper When you open me, you couldn’t be happier Oh, I love being a Christmas Wrapper But what happens when you’ve unwrapped your gift Do you scrunch me up and toss me in the bin quick? I feel so sad, I thought I was a hit Then I’m out in the trash like a piece of rubbish Oh, it’s hard to be a Christmas Wrapper I’m on the front line making your presents look dapper Smooth me over your gifts let my pretty paper cover it Oh yeah, that’s me a snazzy Christmas Wrapper Oh yeah, that’s me a snazzy Christmas Wrapper x 2 Snazzy Christmas Wrapper YEAH!